I haven’t been writing at all lately. I start feeling crappy and then I stop writing so that I can avoid facing those feelings. The thing that I forget is, writing makes me feel good. It gives me hope and draws my attention towards positive thoughts. I gather strength to grow and examine life from writing.
When I am writing, I am also reading. I read for inspiration. I read to discover new ways to explore and discover myself. I read to find lessons on personal growth. I read that which will ultimately help me to help myself.
When I am not writing, I read fiction. I lose myself in a story. I will read entire series of books in short periods of time and even start dreaming as the characters in my book. As I am nearing the end of the 4th book in the Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones) books. I am realizing that I completely abandoned my journey for self discovery.
When I disappear into fiction, I stop meditating and practicing yoga. I have trouble drawing myself out of that world and into real life. It is the ultimate avoidance. I am running away from something I can’t even name. I am running from uncertainty, numbing my senses.
Last night, my mom sent me a link to a TED talk given by Brene Brown about The Power of Vulnerability. I have watched it 4 times, I feel asleep listening to it. I am feeling inspired to let myself back into my life.
Life is not about the destination, it is about the journey. The only destination in life is the journey.
It was during all of the awfulness at the beginning of last year when I first wrote those words. Having, surprisingly, never seen them before, I truly believed in this unique concept that I had developed for myself.
I had always thought of my life as moving towards “the end.” What did I want in the end, to get married, buy a house and have babies of course. I had never considered any other possibility. I had always defined myself as one half of a whole and that is how I was going to end up, with my other half, in the Glebe (I had high hopes!), raising our three children.
When I found myself broken hearted and unable to picture a future where I would love like that again I began to redefine how I saw my future. This brokenness led me to endless possibilities. I was no longer tied to a timeline, there didn’t need to be a wedding by 26 and my first baby by 28. I was free to go and do as I please. The problem then became that I had no idea what it was that I wanted. I didn’t even know what I liked at this point. The solution was found again in those words, the journey was all about finding out.
Now, when I find myself planning the trip back home, towards the next stop on my journey -to the goals I am slowly developing for myself. I can take a deep breath and remind myself that ending up somewhere is not the destination. The destination is the journey and I am already there.