So the storms come and pass. 2013 started on a pretty good note. Much has changed about who I am without anything tangible actually changing. I’ve already forgotten, if only in the moment, lessons learned from the past year. I’ve learned so much more. I’ve learned to weather my own storms and sit in my discomfort knowing it will pass. I know myself more intimately and forgive myself more readily. I have recently returned from the edge of depression and , unlike previous times, I have not needed anyone to guide my way.
I am working with the concept of never being not broken (thank you Elephant Journal.) I try to remain open to the flow of change and growth from my experiences without remaining attached to a fixed identity of myself or what I think I should be.
I have been wrestling with the concept of remaining single and not looking for someone new to mend the broken heart I have been left with. I tried dating (documented alongside a friend in a ridiculous dating blog!) I very nearly fell for someone but can’t seem to find it in me to let anyone new occupy that kind of space in my heart or life. I have moved on to enjoying the commitment free time I have. I still think of him, rarely, wondering, if his refusal to return the book that meant someday, means he is still holding on to that idea…wondering when I will come home to find it waiting in my mailbox…fearing that if it doesn’t happen soon that it won’t happen until I’ve stopped thinking of him completely and the hurt that might cause. Or maybe it will happen after I move and I will never even know.
I think more and more about leaving again. There are so few places, people and things that hold my heart here now. I wrestle with developing my career here or wandering more. E is currently abroad again, I miss her being near and also the lifestyle that comes with existing in a foreign place. Being somewhere else may give me more of incentive to write more and with direction.
I am on my way to a scotch tasting now so that is new.